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My parents October 28, 2008

Posted by mirla in : Feelings, Musings , add a comment

Well, it’s weird. I was looking up information on it and the definition seems to be that emotional incest is when a parent develops an emotional relationship with their child like they were partners even though no physical contact was ever made.

That leaves alot of gray areas, doesn’t? Unlike other forms of abuse it’s not concrete. If a parent hits their child, touches them or says nasty and hurtful things to them then you you know that’s it’s abusive and not a healthy relationship.

The tangent that I’m getting at is that when I was a child, I remember at times taking that sort of role were you want to be their shoulder to cry on, I wanted to know why they were upset. I always worried about them.  But I guess that was kind of wrong when they’d start spilling about their problems to a kid like me even though it’s something I insisted on. I don’t think it was that kind of emotional incest relationship but it’s just so gray you never know, right? I could think something isn’t all that serious when it turns out that it is, or I could think something is super-serious when in the end it’s just blown out of proportion.

For parents who were divorced…they were pretty tame. They decided to be civil to one another for our sakes. (My brother and I) but that didn’t stop my dad from being super depressed at times because he couldn’t get another girlfriend, and my mom had the habbit of not keeping her relationships with her boyfriends for one reason or another. Aside from dad’s occational depression and mom’s occational crankiness (they are human after all) they were wonderful parents. I don’t think I could ask for better. Of course they disagree (they both think they’re the worst parents ever whitlist I don’t know how they put up with us, they must have the patience of a saint!)

Despite this, there was the inevidable tension between them because they are just two different people. My dad is as steady as the earth, my mom is as swift and fickle as the wind. I remember quite a few times when they would be angry ith eachother (especialy around the time of their actual divorce and not just seperation) were they’d say one thing about a parent around us as if expecting us to agree with them and then tell us not to tell.

Both of my parents loved me equaly, so I’ve always had trouble with “maybe I love one more then the other…” and feel really guilty because that would be like rejecting the love of the other parent in my black-white mind growing up. To this day I still sort of feel guilty about loving one more then another and try to keep this love balenced equaly. As a little kid I liked my dad more then my mom (he was more interactive then mom), then as I grew older I liked my mom more (She’s more opening to litsen without judgement), and now I sort of feel equaly estranged from the both of them (my dad never changed, and my mom changed too much). I know you as you grow up you eventualy stop loving your parents as much as you did as a kid (seeing them as another person instead of like a god) but unlike the normal relationships where teenagers and their parents grow distant by fighting once and awhile, it seemed like a really abrupt change from being toatally devout and loving, to well…not. Instead of growing apart I grew closer, which makes this sudden emotional rift more painful. They noticed my coldness for awhile now, my dad took it to heart and decided it was because he was bad, and my mom just now seems to be getting it and she’s worried that there is something going on that I’m not telling her about.

 I’m just torn. I feel sad and guilty that I don’t love them as much. But at the same time, the barriers seem to be preventing me from ever going back. It’s like instead of being a teenager I’m literaly 1/2 kid and one 1/2 adult, fighting with eachother of what I should do, how I should feel, how do i see the world and how do I see people. The kid really hinders relationships, wants to play instead of work, thinks the world is still wonderful, the adult worries too much, thinks the only way to do anything in this world is to work to the bone, and that this world is cruel and doomed. Put two and two together and I’m just so damned confused and feeling alone. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I want to do, where I want to go, I don’t know who I should trust, who is worth my love, and I don’t know sometimes if I’m even worth the time and love and friends and family. All at a point in my life were either someone yells at you for acting like a know it all or yells at you because you don’t know anything.

…and everyone thinks I simply drift through life without a care

I wish. 

Blah… September 21, 2008

Posted by mirla in : Feelings, Musings , 1 comment so far

So, I’ve been getting more sleep because several people recomended it. You know, despite my avoidance of sleep, when I do fall asleep I truly do enjoy it. My self-esteem could be a little better, but it always could be a little better.

You know, some people tell me that I’m selfish, that I’m disrespectful towards others, and then other people tell me that I’m the exact opisite. I don’t know what to believe. I think that your enemies may be more truthful then your friends sometimes because your friends don’t want to hurt your feelings whitlist your enemies don’t give a damn about you or how you feel.

 Anyways, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have never been abused in my life by someone within the family because I had too many people looking out for me as a child. Now, this actualy had to be declared to myself because my messed up fantasies sometimes intertwine with my reality and it doesn’t help that there are voices telling me otherwise on top of that. It’s sort of rediculous when you get to the point were you have to remind yourself the differences between fantasy and reality.

But you know, if what the others were telling me were true, that would essentialy mean my whole life was a lie. But I know it isn’t, I have to trust in myself and my memories to know my reality.

But then somedays I think…is reality even real?

My Spirituality September 7, 2008

Posted by mirla in : Feelings, Musings , 1 comment so far

So recently, feeling like I’m being pressured to be a christian and while reading a very interesting book (Life of Pi) that certainly has a great take on religions as they should be in general, I’ve been inspired to make a post about my own beliefs.

 My systems is sort of a mix between animism, taoism, buddhism, and various native spiritualities.

Though people seem to connect to their god in various ways, I do through animals. Looking into the eyes of a cat with their many colors, spectrums like shattered stained glass or perhaps with their smooth amber rings that resembe the inside of a tree, at times makes me feel as though I am looking into the eyes of the soul and creation in itself. (After all, the eyes are their windows, are they not?) I find my connection with the spirits through the living, observing the quiet and mechanical nature of birds as they pick for their food in the grass just before the sun rises, observing the leaves on the trees as they rattle in the wind with their brilliant viridian shimmers of sun, and deep emerald shadows. As far as I am concerned, everything is living. If I come across something dead, it always appears not to be dead, but to be dying.

I believe in totem animals and guides as well. Not in the traditional beliefs that you have a single animal for your entire life and that’s that. Life is adaptable, your world changes regularly, and thus you may have many different totems within your life, with a few chief gaurdians that travel with you from birth till death. We draw what we resonate, so often times one animal that you may be interested in may be very well watching over you for however long it may.

When I go to church and I am moved, it is not due to the words, the beliefs, it’s the kneeling, the prayer, the deep sense of connection that you get  just to litsen. Many people who go to such religious ceremonies don’t feel that way though, they’ve lost their emotional connection, or perhaps they are too closely concerned with the words being spoken rather then the message itself.

Taoism comes into play in that everything must be in balence. You must be both sad and happy in your life, you must have both good and bad times to live completely. And the truth is, no matter how good your life is, there will always be a hard time that will one day pass, and no matter how horrible your existance is that if you try hard enough your life will be filled with joy at one point or another. I don’t enjoy suffering, or seeing people suffer, but it is a necessity to feel pain at least in order to truely live. I wish for those who suffer greatly to find way to escape though, because a life filled with pain is also without balence. 

My concern rests in the afterlife, do we simply shatter like glass or do we transform like a butterfly? It’s impossible to know, but I sincerly hope for the latter.

The living, the dead, and the nonliving is what moves me, so why must people insist that I submit to their god? Is my worship of the living, this spiritual connection, not good enough for most?    

I’m feeling very happy tonight August 27, 2008

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I just can’t wait until the day I snap that way I can just say “screw the social norm” and just share my joy with everyone!

Afraid of getting in trouble July 17, 2008

Posted by mirla in : Memories, Feelings, Musings , 1 comment so far

Just one of the things that has been bugging me lately…

For as long as I can remember, I’m afraid of getting in trouble. Deathly afraid of getting in trouble. I don’t even think it was because of some sort of severe punishment that I was fearing, ANY sort of confrontation turned me into a crying mess.

One example being when I was in kindergarten. My friend and I were pretending we were cats, and I accidently scratched him. Well, he told on me, and when the teacher stated asking about it and such I was crying so hard that I was dissoriented. Literaly. Or in first grade, when I cried over having to get a yellow card (by the way, is the least possible offense) for continueing to cut out a paper star when she said to stop. Or in 3rd grade were I litteraly had a psycological meltdown on the kitchen floor for forgetting my homework (again) just crying and crawling and and curling up and rocking and crying some more. These weren’t “crocodile tears” either, as some had accused, I legitimately felt such an intense mix of guilt/anxiety/whatever to just break down.  

Now a days I’m not going to burst into tears or anything, but I certainly have quite a fear of breaking rules. But seriously…something just isn’t registering as normal for having such a dramatic response to such a little thing.

Grrr…(language warning) July 7, 2008

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Why is it NOW, when the abuse of my peers has stopped, that people tell me that the “ignore them” and/or “kill them with kindness” methods that they avocated so adamently during my childhood years are so hopelessly ineffective with bullies?

Grrr….

It makes me mad. I wish the adults could have stepped up from their own problems to lend me a hand…or that as a child I could have built up my anger and just clobber them something feirce instead of internalizing it and bringing myself down. But wishing does me nothing, the past is the past…it doesn’t stop me from being angry though.

All quiet on the western front. June 8, 2008

Posted by mirla in : Feelings, Musings, Uncategorized , 1 comment so far

Well. I’m better now then I’ve been all day. I’ve come to realise that no matter what is going on in my head I am apparently VERY good at not letting anything on to my family/anyone else around me.

 The only thing that keeps this from being the perfectly calm ending to an unexpected storm is a few faint phraises that I hear from none other from the good ol’ back of my head:

“You’re a stupid pathetic little liar.”

Now what is this about you ask?

Well, earlier today I was struck with a very strange occurance: my inner child voice running along simultaneously with my conious, and sometimes just plain dominating over it. Kept on telling me it was a little or something. Doesn’t make any sense though because I don’t have DID, or any reason to have a little in the first place. It was very distressing and obviously it royaly messed up my thought process. Somehow my urges for being younger or whatever just manifested itself completely today. Just wanted to lie about myself today so I could play with the other littles. I was curious, so I asked my little voice-manifestation why they were there or why I’d have something like DID and they just said “my brother hurt me”, when I continued for well specific, my internal therpist interupted and said ”do you except things to come that quickly?” the fact that three voices in my head were going on for that breif moment is sort of a surreal concept. I then said if you really are an alter then prove it- punch me or something…well, nothing really happened other then my hand and jaw tightening…but that was probably me anyways. I then asked how old they were, and the response was “I don’ know….3 or 4?” which yeah, flipped my “okay, now I KNOW I am making this up” switch,  

When I told myself that it wasn’t DID, no freakin way, and that I just caught myself in a “moment of weakness” that I’ll probably be very embarassed about later them BAM! Wave after wave after wave of axiety attacks rushed over me, so bad I was almost shaking- ontop of some suttle depression and an urge to laugh. It took at least an hour or two AFTER my brain had returned to it’s normal functioning that it took me to get over this anxiety- which of course, was imeadiatly followed by being increadibly tired and a little sick to the stomache.

 I don’t know what happened though, maybe my mind is just too impressionable to be able to go to places like PC or something. Or maybe there really is something wrong here. No clue. I’m going to re-write this on paper some time and show it to my T. She’ll probably either say “I don’t know” or talk about how all teens go through this. You know, I’m SICK of her saying “I don’t know” honesty is a virtue but at this point I want a solid answer. And yeah “teen drama” may be the correct answer- but it doesn’t help me one bit.

The struggle of Youth: What is happening to me? May 19, 2008

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The question is generic, comon, and to the point. However, it is a question that I ask to you now, in light of my own inner disturbances.

 I act…realativly normal. Minus the obsessions with the internet and Pokemon but…niether of those are really pressing for me. After all, my friends are far more off the wall then I could ever dream to be. I am a realativly happy personwhen I’m around others too.

But…whenever I am alone, I get the distinct feeling that I am slowly trying to de-evolve from it all. I want to isolate, I want to shut everything in. Get as far away from the rest of humanity as possible… getting the impulse to lie for my benefit, and hurt for the sake of furthering my isolation. No matter how happy I am when I’m with others. It’s really maddening.

Despite what my T has told me (granted, she has some limited information…not that great at talking) I have my doubts that this is your run-of-the-mill case of introversion, and being an INFP. Or that it’s a result of some kind of lack of sleep, and I certainly feel like this isn’t a comon problem for my peers. But then again, you never know.

…Why? April 2, 2008

Posted by mirla in : Memories, Feelings, Musings , add a comment

So, I was browsing the web, then I came across this website that has advice on what to do when you are being bullied. Imeadiately this brings ups in my mind “It’s too bad I never had this kind of information” which sort of metamorphed into “Why didn’t I do this as a child?” (Which yes, I know has the obvious answer) in out of pure random of my emotions (because hey, I’m at their whim) I fall into a little bit of a depression. The question keep on asking me “Why didn’t I do this? Why did they tell me to just ignore them?” and a bit of advice for parents-

Telling a kid to “ignore” the bullies doesn’t work. It just wont. Kids don’t exactly have the emotional intelligence or maturity to simply “ignore” someone who is making them hurt, so OF COURSE they are going to react to a bully. It’s not a matter of self-restraint for a kid, it’s a matter of self-worth. Also, bullies almost NEVER bully someone just to see their reaction for their own ammusement, if you ignore them, they’ll just keep pressing harder and harder and harder until you break- instead of just getting bored and going away. From my expiriences, kids bully because of their underlying securities or they are lashing out because of a poor enviorment- wether or not little Jhonny cries after 5 minutes or 15 minutes isn’t going to change either cause. “Ignoring a bully and they’ll stop picking on you” is just about the WORST advice to give.

And yet, it was the only bit of advice that I’ve ever recieved. Infact, there were times when they said that where they almost made it out to be MY fault.

Flashbacks, flashbacks,    flashbacks to those days, those moments in time, when nearly everyone hated me…. make me feel so sad. They make me feel sick. Why are children always so cruel?

Stupid, ugly, paranoid thoughts March 26, 2008

Posted by mirla in : Feelings , 3comments

“you don’t belong here”
“You’re just hurting them”
“They don’t want you here”
“they want you to go away”
“You’re just faking all of this”
“Just go”
“why do you even come here?”
“You only come here because you WANT to be mentaly ill”
“You’re only suffering because of empathy, you’re really fine”

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