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My parents October 28, 2008

Posted by mirla in : Feelings, Musings , add a comment

Well, it’s weird. I was looking up information on it and the definition seems to be that emotional incest is when a parent develops an emotional relationship with their child like they were partners even though no physical contact was ever made.

That leaves alot of gray areas, doesn’t? Unlike other forms of abuse it’s not concrete. If a parent hits their child, touches them or says nasty and hurtful things to them then you you know that’s it’s abusive and not a healthy relationship.

The tangent that I’m getting at is that when I was a child, I remember at times taking that sort of role were you want to be their shoulder to cry on, I wanted to know why they were upset. I always worried about them.  But I guess that was kind of wrong when they’d start spilling about their problems to a kid like me even though it’s something I insisted on. I don’t think it was that kind of emotional incest relationship but it’s just so gray you never know, right? I could think something isn’t all that serious when it turns out that it is, or I could think something is super-serious when in the end it’s just blown out of proportion.

For parents who were divorced…they were pretty tame. They decided to be civil to one another for our sakes. (My brother and I) but that didn’t stop my dad from being super depressed at times because he couldn’t get another girlfriend, and my mom had the habbit of not keeping her relationships with her boyfriends for one reason or another. Aside from dad’s occational depression and mom’s occational crankiness (they are human after all) they were wonderful parents. I don’t think I could ask for better. Of course they disagree (they both think they’re the worst parents ever whitlist I don’t know how they put up with us, they must have the patience of a saint!)

Despite this, there was the inevidable tension between them because they are just two different people. My dad is as steady as the earth, my mom is as swift and fickle as the wind. I remember quite a few times when they would be angry ith eachother (especialy around the time of their actual divorce and not just seperation) were they’d say one thing about a parent around us as if expecting us to agree with them and then tell us not to tell.

Both of my parents loved me equaly, so I’ve always had trouble with “maybe I love one more then the other…” and feel really guilty because that would be like rejecting the love of the other parent in my black-white mind growing up. To this day I still sort of feel guilty about loving one more then another and try to keep this love balenced equaly. As a little kid I liked my dad more then my mom (he was more interactive then mom), then as I grew older I liked my mom more (She’s more opening to litsen without judgement), and now I sort of feel equaly estranged from the both of them (my dad never changed, and my mom changed too much). I know you as you grow up you eventualy stop loving your parents as much as you did as a kid (seeing them as another person instead of like a god) but unlike the normal relationships where teenagers and their parents grow distant by fighting once and awhile, it seemed like a really abrupt change from being toatally devout and loving, to well…not. Instead of growing apart I grew closer, which makes this sudden emotional rift more painful. They noticed my coldness for awhile now, my dad took it to heart and decided it was because he was bad, and my mom just now seems to be getting it and she’s worried that there is something going on that I’m not telling her about.

 I’m just torn. I feel sad and guilty that I don’t love them as much. But at the same time, the barriers seem to be preventing me from ever going back. It’s like instead of being a teenager I’m literaly 1/2 kid and one 1/2 adult, fighting with eachother of what I should do, how I should feel, how do i see the world and how do I see people. The kid really hinders relationships, wants to play instead of work, thinks the world is still wonderful, the adult worries too much, thinks the only way to do anything in this world is to work to the bone, and that this world is cruel and doomed. Put two and two together and I’m just so damned confused and feeling alone. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I want to do, where I want to go, I don’t know who I should trust, who is worth my love, and I don’t know sometimes if I’m even worth the time and love and friends and family. All at a point in my life were either someone yells at you for acting like a know it all or yells at you because you don’t know anything.

…and everyone thinks I simply drift through life without a care

I wish. 

The Bell and The Locket October 9, 2008

Posted by mirla in : Memories, Musings, Uncategorized , add a comment

As a child, my mindset was that if you weren’t smart, or didn’t have a talent then you were useless. In my mind at the time I would have rather be dead then be stupid, I was sad and felt worthless because I thought I wasn’t paticularly smart and I screwed up at things all the time. I felt as if no good could ever come tfrom me and that I was just a nusance to my parents and to the other adults who looked after me. I used to read a book called The Locket. It was my favorite book and it was given to me by my grandmother. It was about a girl who was so clumsy and messed up everything but then her aunt gave her a “magical locket” and then suddenly she became better at everything, but the inside of the locket was a secret. One day she opened of the locket because she wanted to know what was inside that made her magicaly better at everything. Inside was a little mirror. I think the meaning went completely over my head but the dose of hope the story gave for myself was nice. Another time it was around christmas, I told my parents about how useless I was because I had no talents. They said that I wasn’t litsening to them, just tinkering the silver bell. It was only after a bit of thoght that I realised that this bell wasn’t perfect, that it wasn’t the biggest or the best or the prettiest bell around but my parents still chose it because they liked it, and I still loved it anyways. That people were like bells. It didn’t help me love myself any more then I did (which honestly I didn’t love myself and I still find it hard to) but it helped me get over that mindset.

List… September 23, 2008

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I was feeling sorta weirdly scared tonight, so I thought I’d make a list of the things that make me feel scared or unsafe…

. Night time, or a tranistory persiod of sunlight such as dusk or dawn. Seriously, unless it’s the middle of the day I’m too scared to go outside alone.

.Toughts of rejection. This one is kind of obvious, and what’s worse is that they’re always there. Looming over my head like a rain cloud, ready to shower me with anxiety and depression if the signal is given. (unsafe)

.Electricity, from lighting to plugining in things. (scared)

.Loud sounds (both)

.Flying bugs, except for butterflies (scared)

.strangulation, smothering, asphyxiation, etc… (err…both?)

The chakras September 22, 2008

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The first chakra is the Earth Chakra, located at the base of the spine. It deals with Survival, and is blocked by Fear.

The second chakra is the Water Chakra, which deals with Pleasure, and is blocked by Guilt.

Third is the Fire Chakra, which is located in the stomach. Dealing with Willpower, the Fire Chakra is blocked by shame.

Fourth chakra. Located in the heart, this chakra deals with Love, and is blocked by Grief.

The fifth Chakra is the Sound Chakra, and is located in the throat. It deals with Truth, and is blocked by the Lies we tell ourselves.

Located in the center of the forehead, the sixth Chakra of Light is responsible for Insight, and is blocked by Illusions. The greatest Illusion is that of Separation: Things you think are separate and different are actually one and the same.

Seventh Chakra, the last, called the Thought Chakra, it is located at the crown of the head, and deals with Cosmic Energy, and is blocked by earthly attachment.

Blah… September 21, 2008

Posted by mirla in : Feelings, Musings , 1 comment so far

So, I’ve been getting more sleep because several people recomended it. You know, despite my avoidance of sleep, when I do fall asleep I truly do enjoy it. My self-esteem could be a little better, but it always could be a little better.

You know, some people tell me that I’m selfish, that I’m disrespectful towards others, and then other people tell me that I’m the exact opisite. I don’t know what to believe. I think that your enemies may be more truthful then your friends sometimes because your friends don’t want to hurt your feelings whitlist your enemies don’t give a damn about you or how you feel.

 Anyways, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have never been abused in my life by someone within the family because I had too many people looking out for me as a child. Now, this actualy had to be declared to myself because my messed up fantasies sometimes intertwine with my reality and it doesn’t help that there are voices telling me otherwise on top of that. It’s sort of rediculous when you get to the point were you have to remind yourself the differences between fantasy and reality.

But you know, if what the others were telling me were true, that would essentialy mean my whole life was a lie. But I know it isn’t, I have to trust in myself and my memories to know my reality.

But then somedays I think…is reality even real?

My Spirituality September 7, 2008

Posted by mirla in : Feelings, Musings , 1 comment so far

So recently, feeling like I’m being pressured to be a christian and while reading a very interesting book (Life of Pi) that certainly has a great take on religions as they should be in general, I’ve been inspired to make a post about my own beliefs.

 My systems is sort of a mix between animism, taoism, buddhism, and various native spiritualities.

Though people seem to connect to their god in various ways, I do through animals. Looking into the eyes of a cat with their many colors, spectrums like shattered stained glass or perhaps with their smooth amber rings that resembe the inside of a tree, at times makes me feel as though I am looking into the eyes of the soul and creation in itself. (After all, the eyes are their windows, are they not?) I find my connection with the spirits through the living, observing the quiet and mechanical nature of birds as they pick for their food in the grass just before the sun rises, observing the leaves on the trees as they rattle in the wind with their brilliant viridian shimmers of sun, and deep emerald shadows. As far as I am concerned, everything is living. If I come across something dead, it always appears not to be dead, but to be dying.

I believe in totem animals and guides as well. Not in the traditional beliefs that you have a single animal for your entire life and that’s that. Life is adaptable, your world changes regularly, and thus you may have many different totems within your life, with a few chief gaurdians that travel with you from birth till death. We draw what we resonate, so often times one animal that you may be interested in may be very well watching over you for however long it may.

When I go to church and I am moved, it is not due to the words, the beliefs, it’s the kneeling, the prayer, the deep sense of connection that you get  just to litsen. Many people who go to such religious ceremonies don’t feel that way though, they’ve lost their emotional connection, or perhaps they are too closely concerned with the words being spoken rather then the message itself.

Taoism comes into play in that everything must be in balence. You must be both sad and happy in your life, you must have both good and bad times to live completely. And the truth is, no matter how good your life is, there will always be a hard time that will one day pass, and no matter how horrible your existance is that if you try hard enough your life will be filled with joy at one point or another. I don’t enjoy suffering, or seeing people suffer, but it is a necessity to feel pain at least in order to truely live. I wish for those who suffer greatly to find way to escape though, because a life filled with pain is also without balence. 

My concern rests in the afterlife, do we simply shatter like glass or do we transform like a butterfly? It’s impossible to know, but I sincerly hope for the latter.

The living, the dead, and the nonliving is what moves me, so why must people insist that I submit to their god? Is my worship of the living, this spiritual connection, not good enough for most?    

Skye August 25, 2008

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I don’t know why her story popped into my head over the past day or so. But it did, and with this new insight on things that I didn’t have years ago, it makes things seem alot clearer.

When I was younger, about 12 or so, we had this next door neighbor (if you count the family that lives on the other side of your townhouse your nextdoor neighbor) her name was Skye. I don’t remember much of that little girl, except she was very cute, with her long blonde hair and pretty eyes, she liked to play with me and my “friends” at the time. She didn’t talk, but she was little, so I never thought anything of it.

 anyways, after a while, the parents started getting into alot of fights. They would scream and scream at eachother. Probably hit eachother hit eachother too. When they got into fights, I started feeling sad and I’d just bounce a ball off of the garage door for hours…just sadly contemplating why people just couldn’t get along. Eventualy they moved, after abandoning their cat… which they kind of neglected all winter anyways (we adopted her but sadly she was hit by a car shortly afterwards) Months later, the police came to our door, saying if anyone here owned a white such-and-such kind of car. I didn’t know anybody, because I don’t know cars, and it didn’t ring a bell with my mom and step-dad either so they left. Funny, my step dad remembered a few minutes later that the car they were looking for belonged to Skye’s parents.

Strange to think really, that for such a long time we lived so close to those kinds of irresponsable parents, bad people really, but didn’t even know it. I guess tonight I’ll cry for Skye and hope that she will be okay.

I remember those days, so clearly I do. The thud of the ball against the ball, the ping it made on the ground as it bounced back to me in perfect rhythm, it wasn’t even my ball, but I was in a trance, humming little songs to myself, a trance so filled with sorrow, that I really didn’t even care. I felt like crying, maybe I did, I was never one for fighting.

Afraid of getting in trouble July 17, 2008

Posted by mirla in : Memories, Feelings, Musings , 1 comment so far

Just one of the things that has been bugging me lately…

For as long as I can remember, I’m afraid of getting in trouble. Deathly afraid of getting in trouble. I don’t even think it was because of some sort of severe punishment that I was fearing, ANY sort of confrontation turned me into a crying mess.

One example being when I was in kindergarten. My friend and I were pretending we were cats, and I accidently scratched him. Well, he told on me, and when the teacher stated asking about it and such I was crying so hard that I was dissoriented. Literaly. Or in first grade, when I cried over having to get a yellow card (by the way, is the least possible offense) for continueing to cut out a paper star when she said to stop. Or in 3rd grade were I litteraly had a psycological meltdown on the kitchen floor for forgetting my homework (again) just crying and crawling and and curling up and rocking and crying some more. These weren’t “crocodile tears” either, as some had accused, I legitimately felt such an intense mix of guilt/anxiety/whatever to just break down.  

Now a days I’m not going to burst into tears or anything, but I certainly have quite a fear of breaking rules. But seriously…something just isn’t registering as normal for having such a dramatic response to such a little thing.

Grrr…(language warning) July 7, 2008

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Why is it NOW, when the abuse of my peers has stopped, that people tell me that the “ignore them” and/or “kill them with kindness” methods that they avocated so adamently during my childhood years are so hopelessly ineffective with bullies?

Grrr….

It makes me mad. I wish the adults could have stepped up from their own problems to lend me a hand…or that as a child I could have built up my anger and just clobber them something feirce instead of internalizing it and bringing myself down. But wishing does me nothing, the past is the past…it doesn’t stop me from being angry though.

Veeeeery Frustrated June 30, 2008

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My ongoing battle with my negatve self image continues! Even when I do have a positive self image, the negtive ones just come right back. Grrrr. It’s annoying because I know that I’m a good person, but noooo, my mind just has to be complicated and not believe that 1/2 the time.

I always thought that my negative self-image began when I was in 2nd grade, and that’s when all of the kids in school started to bully me. (Granted, I had some expirience with being bullied before that, but that was with a bad babysitter anyways…and really doesn’t seem as significant in a kid’s mind in comparrison to over 100 kids hating you at once)

But, I’m guessing this began a heck of alot earlier. My mom told me when I was in kindergarden that I’s complain that my “belly was round” (essentialy saying that I was fat) and she would tell me that “What is it supposed to be? Triangles? Squares? They are supposed to be round” and the sad part is that I’ve seen my kindergarden pictures and I looked like a twig like every other kindergardner. :( So my theory is that I’m just prone to having a negative self-image anyways- regardless of the enviorment…nd being bullied just makes it 110% worse.